Updated: Aug 4
My journal is a long list of wishes/delusions and evidence of the cycles that come with growth. 2018-2022.
Congratulations Indo, you've survived.
I lost my mind a week or two ago...
I'm hyperaware and not aware enough at the same time. My therapist says it's anxiety.
I want to try again. I want to try and die. I want to try and live. I'm gonna try again.
My head hurts all the fucking time.
I don't want to be me. I don't want to be anyone. I don't want to be. I wish I wasn't.
I've been sleeping so much & not going to class, no fun.
My heart is full of confessions I may never get to say...spilled onto pages that no one will ever read.
I want to tell you that: I'm rough around the edges but only the edges.
Death showers me with his presence and attention.
I'm never satisfied. God forbid I ever am.
Aren't you sick of this "being too much in your head" bullshit?
Is enough, enough for you yet?
What can I do to make it better? I wish I could take your pain and put it on the sun. I wish things were easier for you.
I would kill to feel peace for longer than a moment... Such is life.
This'll be good so I can stop dumping on my friends + it's healthy.
I know I can change it but there's a little voice in my head saying what if. I'm scared of that voice.
I wish I could live inside of my own heart. I wish I could somehow shrink myself down enough to go in there and make the space habitable. I'd like to know how to love.
I would like to receive affection that doesn't come with some kind of expense.
I think right now I could be experiencing some kind of reality check. Multiple.
I find it hard to accept where I'm at when I know this isn't where I want to be.
I wish I could just drop out and make art.
I wish I made promises I had an actual interest in keeping.
If I were a God would things be easier for me?
I'm yearning for freedom but I don't know what's trapping me.
I wish I was good enough for [REDACTED].
I wish I didn't have to explain myself every time I talk.
Who hears my wishes besides me... Who am I talking to at night?
God give me the courage to connect + the strength to deal with the pain of failure.
Really, I want to love someone with the intensity that I need to without scaring them away.
There's a lot I want from life but I'm not sure on how to go about getting it.
Love is kind of dead to me right now. I allowed myself to love him. I don't think I was wrong for that.
I'm slowly discovering more about myself and sometimes it's brutal.